Feral's Snakes on a Plane
by FeralRaziel
Summary: I like snakes, but that was a bad movie. Only person to ever combine the Legacy of Kain and Naruto! plz r
1. Chapter 1

As Raziel D'Floran approached the stewardess she tells him that their first class had been demoted to coach. Razzy had no problem with this and nor would any of the 5 brothers or Kain or Umah or Orochimaru. In fact he was concerned that the other passengers might have wanted them in first class so nobody would have to sit next to any number of his admittedly creepy party.

As a result of first class being inaccessible, coach was full. Raziel's party took up half the whole left row of seats. He felt a little sorry for the people sitting around them; he knew that they were distracting and would carry on incredibly odd conversations despite anyone listening in. So he just settled in his aisle seat. Understandably, nobody sat next to him, except two unaccompanied children that were eyeing him warily.

Razzy's 5th brother, Zephon insisted on sitting next to Orochimaru, having made it his un-life's goal to bother the hell out of him. So Raziel made them sit behind him closer to the window so that, if necessary, he could turn around and tell them to shut up. Next to Orochi was Umah, who was constantly flirting with the nin, making Orochimaru Nosgothic by proxy. Melchiah, the 6th D'Floran brother, sat contentedly behind Raziel. Kain the Scion of Balance and the Vampire King took the window seat in the next row. The 2nd, 3rd and 4th D'Floran boys, Turel, Dumah, and Rahab filled out the rest of the row.

"I can't believe we actually took the trip." Zephon was telling Orochi. "Well, it was free, who's one to complain?" The Giant Snake responded. "Dude, come on, Hawaii? Oh, most of us are vampires with our only weakness being water. I have an idea let's go to a blazingly hot island surrounded by water." Zeph said sarcastically. "Hey, we stayed inland, it wasn't that bad." Umah said. "Yeah, nobody caught fire and disintegrated. ...Do you guys disintegrate when you die?" Orochimaru asked, changing the entire course of the conversation. This happened often, as most of them were over a millennium old and had short attention spans. Though this wasn't common of Orochi, who was only 60 some-odd years old. "Just like in the movies." Raziel had turned in response to the question.

In the middle column of seats Iruka and Naruto sat separating a woman with a baby and a rather unhappy man from some part of England. The man was muttering obscenities under his breath about a woman across the aisle with a small, yipping dog. Sasuke Uchiha sat in an aisle seat with a rapper and his bodyguards next to him. He was staring moodily at the Hawaiian patterns on the carpet.

Sakura sat in the back, dreamily lost in whatever was on her iPod. She shared the row with Kankuro, Temari and Gaara (who was also content in his iPod). None of the Shinobi noticed Orochimaru was on the plane. He was, after all, tucked in the window seat with a large number of pale, black-haired, yellow-eyed guys.

A newlywed couple sitting somewhere in the midst of the ninjas were trying to deal with the husband's fear of flying. His wife noticed an abundance of odd people on this ride, but figured it was fine since they were flying from Hawaii. She thought it best not to mention this to her panicking husband; he would probably think they were terrorists or something. There was an Asian man sitting at the front, but nobody really gave him much attention since, again, this was a flight from Hawaii…to L.A. There was a young couple passionately making out in the back. The rest of the passengers were vacationers to L.A. or from Hawaii (A/N: ah've said that like 5 times XD).

10 minutes after take off Orochimaru nudged Zephon. "Do you smell something…off?" He asked. "Nope, why do you?" Zeph said. When Orochi nodded worriedly the spiderish vampire asked, "Is it really bothering you?" Orochimaru nodded again and glanced at the air conditioning vents. Zephon forgot about this shortly thereafter when Orochimaru fell heavily to sleep 5 minutes later.

Naruto was busy being loud. The English man next to his sensei looked ready to hang himself in the lavatory. The rapper had got up from his seat to hit on the blonde with the dog. The English man was unable to hang himself in the lavatory, seeing as how the couple in the back had crept off into one of them, rather indiscreetly. The stewardesses (and seemingly homosexual steward) went up and down the aisles from time to time. The steward stopped at Melchaia's seat and motioned to Orochi. "Does he need a pillow?" he asked. "I don't think he'll notice." Umah said and smiled at him. The steward smiled back and went on his way.

About an hour later there was the turbulence. The newlywed husband clutched at his armrests. The solo children looked at each other nervously. The young stewardess (whose name I don't remember, so I'll call her Sharon randomly) came to try and comfort them, glancing at Razzy only once. Orochimaru remained asleep. Kankuro started fretfully chewing on his lip. Kain decided this was not fun.

Suddenly the oxygen masks deployed, scaring the hell out of everyone. Scaring them so much that nobody noticed that hundreds of snakes were deployed with the masks until they were bitten in the face. People screamed. Of course the ninjas dodged and/or killed what came at them. Everyone sprang into the isles, where there were more snakes, hundreds of them. Suddenly the person responsible for taking up first class appeared.

"Everybody! Get to the front!" Samuel L. Jackson yelled. The throng of able-bodied people surged up the aisles. One man had fallen and was being trampled. Dumah, being a big guy, managed to help him up before some stiletto heel killed him. Some people bitten were convulsing in their seats. The younger of the two unattended boys was crying and holding his arm as Sharon the Renamed Stewardess helped them to the front.

Several different snakes were repeatedly biting some people, who had decided that if they flailed around the snakes would leave them alone. The blonde with the dog and the woman with the baby had been left behind. The turbulence added to the snake panic threw them into the wall or a corner and they were knocked unconscious. The dog was shivering and the baby was crying.

Zephon, who had taken more than a couple strikes, looked back from the front. Orochimaru was still asleep, oddly enough. There were about 3 snakes on him, but since he remained unmoving, they didn't bite him. In fact, they were biting each other, seemingly fighting over him. (A/N: XD wtf)

Zephon grunted angrily and pushed his way back to him, receiving 2 more snakebites. He tossed the serpents off the missing-nin and smacked him across the face. Orochimaru woke up with a surprised snort.

"Did you do something?!" Zephon yelled. Orochi stared at him. His eyes serpentine eyes looked glazed, but Zeph assumed it to be the lighting. "Eh?" he muttered. Zephon yanked him out of his seat and dragged him to the front of the plane, where Samuel and the gay steward had decided to block off the entrance with luggage. Some women were still screaming and children were crying. Kain and Raziel glanced at each other. The glance said, '_Why does this weird crap always happen to us?_'

Across the room Sasuke and Naruto were helping to find more luggage. Sasuke was refilled with utter loathing as his curse mark throbbed dully. He assumed it was throbbing because of his hatred of the snakes. He didn't think Orochimaru was across the room trying to focus on what the hell was going on in vain. Naruto was trying to stop the elderly stewardess from going back to coach to rescue the baby. The mother was sobbing and grabbing at the gay steward.

The stewardess went anyways when Naruto released her having been whipped in the eye with a snake someone had tossed. She rescued the baby from imminent death, but was bitten herself. The Asian guy rescued the blonde and her dog. Samuel was using a fire extinguisher to keep the snakes away from the luggage barrier.

Kain had become frustrated with Orochimaru's inability to comprehend. He threw his hands up in irritated surrender. Raziel took Orochi by the jaw (irony) and turned his face toward him. Orochi stared through him confusedly. His reptilian eyes were so contracted that the slit was almost invisible. "How in the 7th circle of hell are you high right now?!" Raziel exclaimed. "I dunno." Orochi admitted. "Ah, dude, seriously? Lucky bastard." Zephon said unbelievingly. "The only person who might be able to do anything about this, and he's stoned beyond comprehension? Great." Kain huffed.

But Orochimaru's attention turned toward Iruka, whom he did not know. Iruka had taken off his Konoha headband and whipped a brightly colored snake off the luggage as Sammy L. gave the fire extinguisher to the gay steward.

"Nice use of forehead protector." Orochi noted. "Thanks creepy guy." Iruka said, not noticing it was an S-rank criminal b/c his hair was in his face. He turned to walk away, but paused. He turned back and came to the Nosgothic vampires. "Not to profile you guys, but…do you know what's going on?" he said. "No clue. You?" Rahab said to him. "Nope. You got a lot of bites there, think you'll make it?" Iruka noted of most of the vampires. "We're vampires, dude. We don't get poisoned." Zeph said, elbowing the Shinobi's arm.

"Iruka-sensei, Naruto just caused the inevitable death of an old woman." Sasuke had come to his side. "No I didn't! Somebody hit me with a snake and she bolted. She's a hero, okay!" Naruto said, unsure. He was terrified at the concept of causing someone to die. Sasuke stared at Orochimaru. Naruto noted the vampires. "Hanging out with the wrong crowd, here, Sensei?" he asked.

Sakura bounced up behind Sasuke when he shouted, "Orochimaru!" She fell backwards. Orochi looked up. "Uh…yeah?" Sasuke grabbed the Giant Snake by the collar of his jacket. People turned their heads to look.

"You vile son of a bastard! You're behind this aren't you?!" Sasuke exclaimed. "Hey there, kid. Come off it!" Melchiah pried the Uchiha from his friend. "No. He isn't. He was actually asleep the whole time, alright." Mel said as Sasuke pried his hands from his clawed grip.

"Hi-ya, Sasuke-kun, I thought you'd have killed yourself by now. Slit your wrists…Accidentally or not so accidentally. …Damn little whiny punk emo brat …" Orochi than trailed off, muttering further obscenities which ended with wishing the Uchiha would spontaneously combust. (A/N: I'm not a Sasuke fan ;p) "Happy thoughts, Giant Snake." Zephon laughed and clapped on hand on his shoulder.

Sammy L. had gone to the upper level of the plane and called his FBI buddies down in the L of A. He shouted down the balcony at the crowd of survivors, "Anybody know _anything_ about snakes? We need to identify what bit who if anybody wants to survive." The English man muttered, "Who died and left the FBI God?" Little did he know that the pilot was dead.

"Uh…Orochi does, but he's kind of…high right now." Zephon shouted back shrugging. "How much can a junkie know about poisonous snakes?" Samuel spat. "He's not a junkie! And his name is Orochimaru the Giant Snake, for God's sake!" Umah shouted. "Then get him up here." Everybody looked at the slumped Orochimaru staring at his feet with his Hawaiian lei draped across his face, and on the verge of a terrible migrane. "STFU Mace Windu, imma stab you in the spinal column." He said.

Samuel turned back from the balcony. His people had found a venomous snake expert. He decided it would be easier to abscond the blonde's picture phone than to pry the names of snake species from a stoned ninja. There were 5 or so minutes where people went about being concerned for his or herself. The blonde stewardess, Tiffany, started crying. The elderly stewardess had died. Naruto looked horror stricken. Sakura assured him it wasn't his fault. Raziel was staring out past the luggage barrier at the dead or slowly dying people still in their seats and the hundreds of unusually angry snakes.

Gaara, who was in the last leg of 4 years of therapy, was not responding well to panic. Death was around him again, after having avoided since being in the 21st century. Temari's hands were on his shoulders. His therapist had encouraged relationships with family and friends, so he found a little comfort in this. But the security wouldn't let him have his gourd as a carry on item. It took some self-control to deal with it. "How can something that looks so defenseless cause so much destruction?" Gaara remarked quietly.

"With tissue destroying, nerve disrupting, blood congealing venom, Kazegake." Orochimaru remarked as he floated past. Gaara glared at his retreating back. Despite Temari's remarks, he walked after him. Orochimaru sat next to Sharon, whose name I just remembered was Clair. Sharon/Clair was holding the younger of the two boys.

His arm was inflated and hideously bruised. The mother of the baby was saying she could suck the poison out. "You know," Orochi said. "That's a myth. You can't suck out the poison unless its right after the fangs left the flesh. The poison breaks down and commingles with the blood stream." The women stared at him disgustedly. The boy stared at him with frightened, puffy eyes. (A/N: I'm sorry but that boy totally would have died in rl.)

"What bit you kid?" Orochi asked. The boys lip trembled. His older brother answered, "It was a cobra." Orochi glanced up and sighed. "There are several different kinds of cobra, sorry to say. What color was it?" The boy looked at his little brother, who was still staring at the Giant Snake in terror. "Orange. Kind of brown. It was white on the bottom. And, and it stood up this tall." He said putting his hand a foot off the ground. Orochi nodded and smiled, eerily enough. "Hooded cobra. Damn lucky it wasn't that king cobra, you'd be dead. You'll be fine." He said. (A/N: o.O I watch too much animal planet XD)

"Will he keep his arm?" Gaara spoke from the seat he'd taken beside them. Orochimaru said nothing and looked back at his feet. The boy started to bawl in Sharon/Clair's arms. Orochi's tongue unconsciously flicked in and out of his mouth. "Do you do that often?" Gaara remarked. "Since I was shorter than you." Orochi said. Before Gaara thought of something gruesome to threaten him with, Naruto sat between them. "So Orochimaru…This is weird, but I guess if you haven't killed anybody yet you won't do it anytime soon. Can't you do something about these snakes?" he asked. Orochi allowed his tongue to loll into his lap before he put it back in his mouth and answered. "Nope. I can control my summoned snakes. I can control real snakes only one at a time."

"That was disgusting." Sharon/Clair noted of his tongue. She was ignored. "You know I watched this thing on the National Geographic channel…and this dude was rambling about this rattlesnake that he was poking with a stick. He said that snakes don't attack people unless they're provoked…like with a stick for one thing." Naruto was saying. There was a silence. "Why are they so angry?" Gaara wondered. "Well, snakes aren't actively aggressive unless you're A: poking it with a stick or B: walking across it during mating season. Neither of which is happening on this plane." Orochimaru said.

There was another pause as the 3 ninja contemplated this. Orochi had an epiphany. "Unless it is." Was what he said. "What was that supposed to mean?" Naruto pouted. "Female snakes emit a pheromone during said season. The males smell this pheromone miles away. It causes them to go on a relentless search for the female and so they don't eat or sleep and became highly aggressive." He explained.

"Damn Orochimaru! No wonder you're called the Giant Snake! (if only he knew o.-) The pheromone's probably in the leis!" Naruto exclaimed. "And the air conditioning." Gaara noted. "Which makes this a terrorist act! Which is why the FBI is here! Man, Gaara, we're geniuses." Naruto concluded.

Sharon/Clair said, "Oh my God, you guys may be right. I have to go tell Samuel Jackson." With that she tried to make her way toward the stairs. "I don't know what good that information is going to do us now." Gaara remarked. "Yeah, but at least we know. That's probably why you're trippin' Orochimaru." Naruto said. "Which raises way too many questions about how snake-like you really are." Gaara said disgustedly. Orochi giggled some bizarre, deep, nightmare-inducing giggle. That was when Jiraiya came and stood by them.

"Fraternizing with the enemy, eh Naruto?" he said. "Hey Jiraiya. How's things going? Aside from…being on a plane filled with venomous snakes and dying people, I mean." Orochi commented. "Hmph. I should totally take advantage of you being like this." Jiraiya said. Naruto and Orochimaru snorted. "That sounded really dirty, there Jiraiya. At least we all know what _you_ are thinking about constantly." The Giant Snake said. Then Gaara got it.

"You may have been wrongly accused of being better than me under Sarutobi-sensei, but back in the academy days, you were just the creepy smart kid that nobody talked to. And one of the most fun pastimes of mine in the academy days…" Jiraiya stated and to finish his sentence, he grabbed a handful of Orochimaru's hair and yanked downward. Orochi's head hit the floor with a muffled thump and he sighed loudly. "I think I'll just stay down here." He said as Jiraiya laughed.

At that moment the co-pilot was bitten by a coral snake and passed out. The plane tilted crazily downward. "Oh wow, I must be really dizzy." Orochi said from the Hawaii patterned carpet. People screamed as they realized what was going to happen. The luggage fell away from the entrance and some teenage kid, who had been upstairs with Sammy L., rescued stewardess Tiffany from falling and cracking her head open. "Everybody! Upstairs!" He exclaimed as the snakes in coach came slithering toward first class. They've been upgraded for free! (sorry that wasn't funny). "Time to go." Kankuro said as he ran past. Gaara and Jiraiya went after him.

There was tremendously loud crackling and everyone looked up. Something long and heavy came crashing out of the covered lights and landed on the floor with a noisy thump. A python of gigantic proportions writhed among the broken glass. People screamed and hurried their effort up the stairs. "Yay!" Orochimaru clapped his hands together, having a spot in his little black heart for constrictors. The English man tossed the blonde's yipping dog at the giant python. The dog was immediately buried in its mouth. The blonde starting hitting the English man. He was yelling, "It's a bloody dog, woman!"

The rapper came and pried her off of him. Kain came and grabbed Orochi's wrist and tugged him along. Orochimaru wriggled out of his claws. He strolled over to the python, tripping the English man on his way. He grabbed the python's head. The people watching him screamed as its maw gaped wide open with a hiss. Orochi, with much effort, dragged the thing past where the barrier was. Then he tossed it on the English guy, at which pointed it gathered the man in its coils and started constricting him. Several people clapped for him as Orochimaru walked up the stairs.

"What the f--- is wrong with you, man? You just killed that guy!" Samuel L. Jackson shouted. "Pssssh. That guy was going to die anyways." Orochi remarked. Sammy L. shoved him into the wall. Something bubbled in Orochimaru's subconscious and he shoved Sammy back. Samuel turned around and glared daggers at him. Orochi hissed viciously. Mace Windu turned back to the terrified crowd of passengers.

"Oh man, the snakes are comin' up the stairs!" the teen guy, whose name I forgot, said. "I can't see us getting out of this." Melchiah said bleakly. The teen guy sprinted past him and grabbed a rubber life raft out of a compartment. "I adore how nobody thought of this before." Kain remarked.

So the life raft was inflated and blocked the stairway, taking care of the snake problem for now. There were several minutes of shocked silence. The Nosgothic folk congregated in one spot. The shinobi split into two groups and placed themselves throughout the cabin. Orochimaru was lying on the ground eyeing the raft. Then the air conditioning shut off with a loud dying sputter. Many people uttered annoyed groans.

Sammy L. was still sending pictures of the dead snakes to the snake expert in LA. It was becoming unbearably hot and stuffy in the upper cabin without air circulation. Sammy threw the phone down in frustration. "I'm gonna go fix the damn air conditioner." He said. Clair/Sharon went to him and begged him not to go. "I have to go or people are going to die anyways." He said. "Well, okay. I'll show you where to go." She said. Clair tripped over Orochimaru's arm and nearly fell onto the raft. Samuel kicked the snake sannin. "Move it, man. Unless you want to come with that is." He said. A python slipped out of Orochimaru's sleeve and bit Sammy L.'s ankle. Sammy stepped on it and it disappeared into a puff of smoke.

"That's it." Samuel picked Orochi up by the shoulders and dragged him down the stairs after Clair.

"Did…did Mace Windu just abscond our Orochimaru?" Raziel noted. After laughing hysterically Zephon said, "Oh, man, I think he did." So the two of six brothers decided to go after their friend to make sure nobody used him as a shield.

As Clair and Sammy got down to the compartment that led into the underbelly of the aircraft the Nosgothics caught up with them. "What do you guys want?" Samuel stated, with a makeshift flamethrower in one fist and a handful of Orochimaru's jacket in the other.

"We came to help you out." Raziel said sincerely. Samuel stared at them in an intimidating manor, but they stood ground and refused to leave. So they puzzled over how to get Orochi to move through the vents. Sammy ended up taking the flamethrower and blasting it in his face. Orochimaru had reacted violently and cursed like a sailor. The wraith managed to wake him up with the water Reaver.

So after crawling through the vents, in which only Zephon was comfortable in, they ended up where all the snakes had been stored. A bomb had gone off to release them unto the plane. "I'm going to assume that this is the lever." Sammy said eyeing a ridiculously obvious, bright red handle on an electrical panel. As the he walked up to it a puff adder descended from the rafters.

Sammy L. went to set it on fire but Orochimaru snatched it out of the air and clamped it to his chest. The snake hissed angrily, but the sannin made some sort of gleeful noise. "You guys are freaks." Samuel noticed as he tried prying down the lever. It seemed to be stubborn. Zephon walked over and yanked on it. Air returned to the passengers. As they headed back to the top Orochi tossed the adder over his shoulder. Sammy was complaining about the vampires not doing anything with their super-human strength.

Up top everyone was relieved. A false sense of security fell over them. Despite this, Kain had started placing bets on the end of their current situation. Melchiah convinced the rest of the vampire lieutenants that they were going to crash into the ocean right outside the airport, take out a quarter of the city with the plane and explode. Umah, being of an unusually bubbly disposition for a vampire of her era, bet along with several others that everything would be fine. Uzumaki was the only one with money on the theory of the plane being sucked into an alternate dimension and having to fight off alien hordes.

"We're all going to die!!!" The co-pilot exclaimed, covered in 2 or 3 brightly colored snakes as he ran from the cockpit. He then collapsed on the spot. In the silence that followed several people re-placed their bets to Melchia's theory. Rahab shoved him and whispered, "Mel why you have to be so emo for?"

"I'm not emo! That kid's emo!" Mel bristled and pointed to Sasuke, who was unamused. As the brothers squabbled the plane was now again started dive-bombing toward the ocean. "Anybody know how to fly a plane?!" Samuel yelled. Everyone shrugged. "I play a lot of Halo." Zephon suggested. The rapper high-fived him.

"Can't any of you freaky people do something?" Sammy said, referring to the Nosgothic vampires. "Hey, man I just eat souls." Raziel said. "I eat kittens." Orochimaru followed up. "WTF, Oro." Zephon doubled over laughing. "I wouldn't put that passed you, Orochi." Jiraiya said. "I know…that's why ah said it, heheh."

"Hey, hey! People! We're going to fing die! We are hurtling towards an endless body of water in a 10 ton metal goddamn death trap! We need a plan!" Umah shouted. Everyone got quiet. "…Damn, woman." Orochi exclaimed. She blushed. (A/N: phear mah shameless media-crossing pairing, w00t) "See, that's what I'm talking about." Sammy L. said, "You freaks got any…I don't know, spells or familiars?"

"Gamabunta!" Gaara exclaimed, whacking Naruto on the back. "Yeah!" said the demon zip-loc container. He looked at Jiraiya. "The ocean is salt water, Uzumaki." Said the toad sannin, who looked at Orochimaru expectantly. Orochi stared back at his old comrade. "Manda would eat the plan, baka. –Thusly this movie would be called Plane in a Snake-" He said while the author reveled in random character omniscience.

"Gaara, what's at the bottom of the ocean?" Kankuro spoke up.

There was a pause. Gaara smacked his forehead, "Sand." He muttered. Several other nin smacked their foreheads as well…or each other for not thinking about it. The rest of the plane glanced around, wondering what was going on.

"Oh you're that crazy kid that controls sand?" Kain said, looking at the Kazekage. Gaara glared over at Orochimaru, who shrugged as innocently as he could manage. "Okay sand kid, to the cockpit! Everyone else sit tight." Samuel said. Him and the sand nin ran up to the cockpit. Everyone else waited patiently or impatiently, as you would have it.

Moments later the plane shook and rattled loudly. The outer shell was being grinded and polished to a shine by the sand trying to slow the plane down. A safety door flew off and met the ocean at 100 mph. Air pressure dropped and the open door became a black hole. The smart people had strapped in.

A couple of Nosgothic vampires dug their claws into whatever was closest to them. Orochi found himself mortally wounded by Umah.


	2. The hurried end p

I don't own Naruto or anybody from the Legacy of Kain series or Samuel Jackson ;p XD wewt. D'Floran is the last name I gave Raziel and his brothers just because.

the quick end. I'm working on a Naruto/ Labryinthe movie parody, yay for Tobi ;p

A couple of Nosgothic vampires dug their claws into whatever was closest to them. Orochi found himself mortally wounded by Umah. Everyone else on the plane that we don't care about was sucked off into oblivion. Naruto managed to save Samuel Jackson. Crappy screenwriters around the world that had planned to put Sammy L in their movie to make people come see it felt great relief in the force.

And so Gaara the 4th Kazekage landed the plane and there was much rejoicing.

It turned out the Asian guy was the terrorist, but nobody cared why because there was no plot. Sasuke found him after they were on the ground and beat the crap out of him. The Uchiha then hung the guy from the wing of the plane by his underpants.

On the way home Orochimaru punched Zephon in the gut. All 6 of the brothers started arguing and Kain considered driving them all off a cliff.

And of course Sasuke got all the press for pwning the Asian guy. Samuel Jackson turned out to actually be Mace Windu and cut off Sasuke's bangs for upstaging him. The Author ended this before Akatsuki start showing up.


End file.
